New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You are the jesus of drinking
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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