I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
