why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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