never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
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Brb crying the tears of my youth
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize