I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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