let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
