im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
