Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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