He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You need a sexual gate keeper
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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