last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well I just put wine in my tea
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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