she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
