She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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