I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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