Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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