i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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