The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
