I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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