we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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