matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
