well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Help. Why am I so naked?
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