I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
