There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
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You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
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Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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