Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
