Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
