So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
