Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you win again, gameday.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There's always time for handjobs
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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