By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
