So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
