We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
