Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
