we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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