I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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