arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
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My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
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It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
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