Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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