I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
