he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
