Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
did i just pee glitter
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
