Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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