we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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