Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
