you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
