Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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