I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
