There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
