his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
