I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
