The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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