Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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