Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like death gave me a hand job
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE