I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
