he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
