There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
