just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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