i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
