That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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