Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
