After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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